MacLean and Maclean

 MacLean and MacLean

The MacLean’s came to my club one night and we immediately became fast friends. I joined them in performing sing the second oldest recorded song in the English language. It is an old Scottish Ballad called the ‘Lobster’ and I was known as the Lobsterman. I couldn’t sing that well but mostly got through it. To begin with I took it very much in stride. But eventually I begin to care about how I did. That is when I ran into trouble and got stage fright and I actually used to sweat before I did my bit. Then one night I did it, I forgot the words. They waited through a chorus and then Gary Looked at me. “Did you forget the words?” I nodded my mind racing trying to find the words. “You Arsehole!” says the ever-helpful Gary. Somehow I found the words and finished the song and never really had much trouble again.

One of my favorite memories of the boys is with Murray McLaughlin. Murray was a good friend and I used to drag him along when I sang. He didn’t like to go, not so much that he didn’t like the MacLeans I think but just didn’t’ t like to be seen at their performances. We were playing ‘The Chimney’ on Yonge Street and there was an hour between shows and we were all sitting in the dressing room with a couple of girlfriends drinking Heinekens when somehow we all started singing Show Tunes. It was hilarious. They are all good singers and we went through an incredible repertoire. I can only think of dressing room door opening and the startled audience looking in At Murray McLaughlin and MacLean and MacLean singing Oklahoma at the tops of their voices.

That night we ended up back at the boy’s Hotel room. Gary and I were trying to impress a couple of tag a long sweet young things and Gary asked Murray if he would sing the Farmers Song for us. Murray grabbed a guitar and obliged us. Murray did a beautiful job and Gary thanked him.. “Thanks Murray that was very nice I know it is just like me being at a party and someone asks me to do ‘The Shit Routine.”

On Sundays, I used to entertain whoever was in town with free drinks a huge dinner (mostly seafood) and a Jam Session. MacLean and MacLean loved to run the bar and they were excellent bartenders. I especially remember Burton Cummings sitting on the counter in my kitchen singing ‘I got a letter from the postman’ with MacLean and MacLean and Murray McLaughlin doing the harmony. It was magic. I swear half the audience was capebreton grandmothers.

On Sundays my bar was invitation only and everything was free. I would cook my famous seafood chowder and we would invite who ever was in town for a massive jam session like Burton Cummings and Murray McLaughlin for example. the McLean's would always bar tend and it was great fun. When I closed my bar McLean's Invited me to Winnipeg for a couple of weeks. they said you have been so good to us we are going to treat you the way you have treated us.

"You mean you're going to charge me $3.50 a drink I asked."

My career with the MacLean's ended because Of Billy Joel. The MacLean's were playing the El Macombo and as I was coming up to do my song late in the last set. I saw Billy Joel and his band storm into a reserved table. (He had been playing maple leaf gardens)

I sang it thus

I met a jolly fisherman down by the sea

Have you a lobster you can sell to me?

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

So I took the lobster home and couldn't find a dish.

so I put it in the pot where the missus has a piss.

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

In the middle of the night I heard a grunt

and there was the lobster hanging from her "front'

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

So I grabs a brush and the missus grabs a broom

And we chased that bloody lobster round and round the room

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

We hit it on the head and hit it on the side.

We hit that bloody lobster until the bastard died.

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

the moral to the story is very plain to see

always have a look-see before you have a pee.

'Singing row tiddly over fart or bust

never let your bollocks dangle in the dust'

that is the end there is no more.

there is an apple up me asshole and Billy Joel can have the core.

The MacLean's looked askance they had no idea Billy Joel was in the audience.

After the show, Billy Joel and band came to the dressing room and the El Mo supplied cases of Heineken's and we partied on into the night.

Billy Joel raved about the act but all he could remember was me. He thought I was really part of the act rather than just a guest.

I was never again asked back to sing with the MacLean's.

Even years later I would go to see them and they would say do the lobsterman and it just wouldn't happen. I never sang with them again They denied this but it is my story and I am sticking to it.

One Winter night in 78 we got hit by a monster winter storm and I opened my after-hours club to a dismal night. Somehow by 2 in the morning, there were four people Gary MacLean and Blair MacLean and a beautiful waitress from the El Mocambo and me. So after a few drinks and puffs, we somehow started playing strip poker. The girl was lucky somehow she had bared Blair and I one time and Gary twice. I could stand no more and cheated until we got her naked. She ran off to the washroom to dress and Gary said to me"You Cheated!" I said Gary if I saw your hairy dick one more time I was going to scream.